What is depression?
Trigger warning. Mentions of depression, self harm, read at your own risk. Depression creeps upon you quietly, at the beginning you struggle with the little things, but you choose to ignore them. Its a small change, barely noticeable. Like a hollow feeling in your chest, you dont really feel like smiling. But you tell yourself, its temporary, just a bad day, itll pass. But youre just stuck in this state of mind. You get used to putting on a social mask, you continue your life, because thats what you have to do, thats what other people do, thats the normal thing to do. However, it doesnt go away, you struggle to play everyday. You fall even deeper, slowly, it gets worse, it eats you from the inside. Life becomes more difficult, with the feeling in your chest making you want to just cry. All the satisfactions gone, the things that used to make you happy are just worthless. You feel helpless, you feel empty, like a part of you is missing. You feel oversensitive, small things make you want to bawl your eyes out, but you pat yourself and think, thats okay, and put a smile on. You lack motivation, you feel everything will be better at some point. But at the same time, you question yourself, when? You get caught up in this vicious circle, you find yourself living in slow motion. Like youre in a trance, everythings indistinguishable, everythings heavy. You still tell yourself that youre fine. You hate yourself, you hate your body, you hate everything. You dont even smile anymore. Not really, anyway. Its a fake smile, because you dont want people to worry, after all youre not important enough to be worried about. But a part of you wants to make everything alright, so you try, and you try. You go out with friends, you talk to your parents more, you help your sister with school. But you feel like its all short lived, and its not helping anything at all. So you shut down again, you go back in your comfort zone, when youre alone. Youre making food, though you dont feel like eating. You feel lost, youre not paying attention, and you make a quick movement, hitting your finger on the knife. It stings, but it feels strangely good as you see it bleeding. Youre emotionally drained, in pain, and you have one escape, and thats the only time when you feel something, crying has gone away for the most part, so this feels actually good. But it means nothing, youre still okay. You feel like staying in bed all the time, you dont want to get up because youre just too tired. Your lifes a mess, your chest gets heavier. It feels like everythings stabbing you in the chest. Your self hate, your thoughts are tearing you apart. You feel so lonely, so alone. You want to feel better, you want someone to save you, you need help. Youre tired and youd give anything to make this feeling go away. Its too hard to feel like this everyday. It takes too much energy to cut everyday, this feeling as a whole becomes unbearable. From here, you know you can go two ways, only ways to feel better.. forever. So you try and choose the better option. Lets go see a therapist. It wont be easy, but youll make progress. Sometimes you slide back, go back to your old ways. But youll recover, youll feel better. Youll feel way lighter, and youll feel helped. But remember, its okay to be depressed, and its not your fault. Your feelings are completely valid, youre allowed to feel. Its okay to feel pain, sadness, anger. Its okay to hurt. Its okay to want help.. its okay to need help. Depression cant be fixed with a pill, it takes time, so, be alive. You are loved, you are valued, you are important, you are strong. I know you may feel like giving up, but dont. You are worth so much, you are so special, you deserve all the happiness in the world. You matter. With love, Ariyana.